Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
