found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
