dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We have started to decorate penises.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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