chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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