she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
