We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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