he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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