What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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