yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
