The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
