Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
