# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
