He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize