apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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