tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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