Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
