I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
