in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
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I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Come share oat with me in your robe
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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