Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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