i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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