fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
