I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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