Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
