This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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