Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
