I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
