I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you had me at cake vodka
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
