I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
