"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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