I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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