My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
