Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
