I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
