DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
