I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My vagina is officially offended.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
