i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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