Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
