My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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