This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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