I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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