I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I AM VODKA MAN
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
