I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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