i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
