My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
