I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
