I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
