he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
