listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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