oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
