During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
