my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
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I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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