yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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