is your mom at the bar?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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