Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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