This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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